Where Triggers Come From

My triggers stem from the dysfunction of my childhood, which I allowed to define me and my world. I never developed emotional awareness, because I failed to express myself or communicate with others on an emotional level, believing that others didn't care how I felt, and that talking about feelings was weak. I constantly allowed the events I did not understand to affect me, and instead of responding and tending to my emotions, I reacted by running and suppressing them. These suppressed, unresolved emotions became triggers, along with the insecurities that I allowed to develop in response to the dysfunction of my childhood.

These negative emotions I wallowed in my entire life arose due to faulty beliefs, misinterpretations, assumptions, false generalizations, stereotypes, and adopting the opinions of others. This is how I made sense of the world around me, never really having a clear picture or a firm foundation, because I didn't communicate, but rather ran from any discomfort that arose. I also believed my value was dependent on the affirmations I received from others based on what I did or had; thus, if I wasn't receiving those affirmations, I felt worthless. I have come to realize that my value isn't dependent on others, but rather intrinsic, because of who I am: a child of God.

I lived experientially as a kid with a very narrow mind, always reacting to my emotions as if they were the truth. I failed to understand that people are different in many ways, and interact with the world based on their beliefs. Just because I assume something to be true doesn't make it so, and the only way to make sense of things is through communication. I wanted things my way, and when I didn't feel it was going my way I became uncomfortable and awkward, never dealing with the emotions in a healthy manner. I wanted immediate relief because I was impatient and selfish, not realizing that discomfort is a part of life and necessary for growth.

Drugs became my security blanket. I thought they were the antidote because of the sense of comfort, confidence, control, worth, excitement, and hope they brought me. I felt drugs relieved me of my discomfort and problems, and I became dependent on them, thinking I had to have them in order to find comfort, control, and value. Of course, the very lifestyle I was living was causing the very feelings I was trying to escape from, but I always thought it was others, because I was projecting my beliefs and feelings onto others and into situations. Plus, it couldn't have been me, because I could do no wrong at that time. It was a vicious cycle I was living in, and little did I realize that I was heaping guilt and shame upon myself daily, which at the time was a feeling I was completely oblivious to. Now I know it was that huge burden that I constantly felt, and another reason I felt worthless, uncomfortable, and awkward.

I wanted complete control and comfort, just wanting peace, and when I didn't have it, I was triggered. I was trying to control the external world, wanting to be the center of the world, thus creating my own problems, because I didn't understand the world I lived in. I based the truth on what I felt without truly understanding my emotions. I was trying to control the external instead of learning self-control, patience, self-awareness, healthy coping skills, and proper communication skills. My feelings dictated reality, and any discomfort or awkwardness was dealt with, I thought, impulsively. It started out as just running and avoiding them early in my childhood, but the moment I found drugs, that is what I turned to. In my sick, twisted, and warped mind, drugs actually became the solution to my problems, providing for my emotional needs like nothing else could. I was tending to my emotional needs the best way I knew how, never trying anything else, because I thought I had the answer.

Now I am able to deal with situations in the present moment and not rely on the faulty coping mechanisms I utilized for so long. I reflected on my past and realized that what went on between my parents wasn't reflective of who I was, nor was my value ever an issue; they had their own issues they were dealing with and were oblivious to the impact they were having on me. They were living their lives as they had learned how, trying to raise two kids based on how they were raised, not realizing that each parenting situation is unique. I completely understand and no longer hold any resentments toward them, and have totally forgiven them, just as I have been forgiven myself for my many transgressions and sins. I don't rely on my emotions as a basis for truth, but rather on God's word, which has given me a better understanding of the world I live in. I have come to value the discomforts of life, for I know that through them I am growing and developing attributes I failed to utilize in my past: patience, humility, compassion, forgiveness, love, self-control. I also realize that enduring such discomfort prepares me for the next challenge I will undoubtedly face in this life. I no longer try to control the external world, but rather practice self-control, and have come to understand people better by utilizing patience, and by learning about God. I now communicate with my family as well as my brothers in Christ, which helps me when I am down; having another's perspective is always useful. I am at peace, and find comfort in this life through my relationship with God, which I am constantly tending to through prayer, worship, studies, and fellowship.