Who I Am Now

(I wrote this while still inside, serving a life sentence. I'm home now, and every word still stands.)

I am now a Christian man, a man who loves and serves the Lord Jesus Christ. I am a kind and caring man with a big heart and a loving spirit. I find peace in my Savior Jesus Christ, and I know that no matter what, He will always be there for me. I pray and meditate upon His word daily, and His word is my guide in life and the mirror I look into in order that I might be held accountable to God for my actions and my character.

I am still in the same place, with a life sentence and facing the same challenges. However, I have changed my beliefs. I am now a man who follows the Lord, and not other men. I practice using patience, acceptance, humility, self-control, love, and compassion on a daily basis. I see people differently now and allow them to be who they are, and no longer expect them to meet my standards, and when they don't, I no longer get angry. I have found peace in realizing that I don't have to get my way every time. I can be humble now, because I am not concerned with what others think of me. I know I am accepted by the Most High God, and if others don't want to accept me for who I am, that's fine.

I allow situations to define themselves and don't assume my own meaning, nor do I assume to know what others are thinking. We have all arrived at this point in time from different places, having had different experiences. I respect individuals and seek to understand them instead of always finding fault in others. I have formed many fruitful relationships and communicate regularly with my Brothers, who have helped me tremendously. I try to be transparent; I am trusting people more and more because of my faith in Christ. I share both the good and the bad with my Brothers, so as to not allow unresolved issues to become big problems and distort my view of reality.

I am content with what I have and thankful for the many things I receive from the Lord daily, such as shelter, food, clothing, and air to breathe. I also realize that I have been given a second chance by God, and am ever grateful to Him for saving me from myself. I have realized that I don't need an exorbitant amount of money, material wealth, or popularity to be happy in life, because I am now content with the small things. I thank God for His mercy and grace, and now find joy in such things as a laugh or a conversation with a friend, and spending my time reading my Bible, going to church, studying, and fellowshipping with my Brothers in Christ.

I now see options when problems or difficulties arise and don't impulsively react as I once did; I am patient and seek to resolve them with the best possible solution. I know that trials are necessary for growth and now embrace them, knowing that they, too, are gifts from God. I am willing to try new things and face my fears in an effort to grow, and don't allow the discomfort of situations to prevent me from following through, even if things don't go as planned. Preparing my mind in such a way gives me peace and clarity in times of trial. I know that God is in control, and I thank Him for that, because trying to live my life on my willpower alone led to misery for myself and others.

I now have hope beyond just physical freedom, wealth, health, or anything that this world has to offer me. I have a true and living hope that the promises God has made me in His word will come to pass. I no longer fear death because I have eternal life in Christ, so I now have true meaning and purpose. I am not perfect, but I trust the Lord will be there when I do fail. I look to share this hope with others, because God's grace is amazing, and I know that what He has done in my life can be done in the lives of others.

I follow all orders and obey the rules that govern society, whether in here or beyond. I don't see the officers as my enemies, or rules as burdensome. I see officers as neighbors, doing their jobs, and know that the rules are necessary for peace, order, and safety. I am encouraged in doing good by not following the norms of prison as I once did. I also seek to mentor and help others whenever opportunities arise. I don't impose my will, but rather share my insight and love with them, realizing that is what most people need and want. I know that I can't force change, but I can be an instrument for it. I lived in darkness for far too long and now seek to be a light wherever I go.

I pay attention to what I say and do, because I know such things affect others and impact my community. I take responsibility for my actions, and when I am wrong I admit it and apologize, so as to not remain persistent in destructive behaviors. I now listen to others, seeking help when I need it, and being there for others who might need help. I surround myself with individuals who are willing to hold me accountable, and I am humble enough to realize I am always in need of help. I now learn from my mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others, by being observant and discerning.

I am not trying to uphold a faulty image to protect the broken little boy anymore. I am comfortable with who I am becoming, and know that God is conforming me to the image of His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ. I believe I am being who God wants me to be, and who I have wanted to be the entire time, but fought against, because I didn't know God and I lived in fear of others. I thank God for transforming me, and live daily trying to glorify Him and not myself. I love to work hard at whatever I do, and I do everything for the glory of the Lord. I am willing to help anybody if I am able to, and look to build bridges with others, not chasms.

I educate myself in many ways and use discernment to learn and grow daily. Every day is an opportunity to build upon the foundation that God has set. I don't seek instant gratification. I am willing to work hard to get what I need, and I'm patient enough to endure the struggles that come with life. I know that taking the easy road got me in trouble, so I analyze my options and make sound decisions using the word of God as my final authority. With any decision, my chief aim is to give glory to the Lord.

I realize that I seriously misinterpreted the events of my past, and I know that it was my faulty beliefs that caused my problems in life and destroyed the lives of many others. I have forgiven myself and those who harmed me, and I am now aware that they, too, were broken individuals living life as they had learned, based on events in their lives. I have compassion for them and for all people, and I keep them in my prayers.

This is who I am today, but I will continue to grow and be sanctified by the Lord. I wish I could remove all of the pain, suffering, and destruction I've caused. I think of Jack and others very often, but know that all I can do now is live my life in such a way as to not cause any more pain. I know life is not a sprint, but a marathon, and by the grace of God I know that I will endure.